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Braunias: Key to remain preferred PM after his death

Aug 19, 2014 Politics

First published in Metro, July 2014.


A new opinion poll has established that John Key will remain preferred Prime Minister even if he’s dead.

The latest Metro Daily survey shows that Mr Key’s personal rating as preferred Prime Minister wouldn’t suffer in the event of his death — but that it might gradually diminish after 20 or 30 years.

“I’m prepared to wait that long, and I’m calling on New Zealanders to wait with me,” said Labour leader David Cunliffe.

“We can play checkers, go for long walks… It’s all good.”

But impartial commentators said that Mr Cunliffe’s response was heartless, and would cost him dearly in the next poll.

“He should have said that he hoped John Key will never die,” said Michelle Boag.

“Epic fail. He’s goneburger,” said Bill Ralston.

“I have new evidence which suggests he’s not a New Zealander, and may not even be human,” said Matthew Hooton.

The Prime Minister said he was in perfectly good health, but appreciated the support shown to him by those who took part in the poll.

“Yeah, at the end of the day what it says is that the majority of New Zealanders are very caring people, and even a little sentimental, to be perfectly honest.

“I get sentimental about a lot of things so I know exactly how they feel, actually.”

New Zealand First leader Winston Peters rubbished the poll, saying it didn’t take into consideration the possibility that Mr Key might rise from the grave as a zombie.

“Zombies move slow, so you know who he’d target to eat their flesh. That’s right. The elderly.”


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