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76 questions every Aucklander will relate to

Jan 14, 2016 etc

Ruth Spencer presents a special holiday edition of Metrolols. So what are you getting up to over summer?

Illustration: Ingredients for Hair of the Bichon Frise cocktail by Sophie Watson. 


I’m heading North because:

(a) I love the freedom of an open highway petering into a narrow, winding bottleneck.
(b) I like my fresh produce to be sourced locally. Local to Matakana, that is.
(c) We’re taking the caravan to Takapuna camping ground. It’ll be wild!
(d) I promised the family a skiing holiday. Kia ora, Snowplanet.

I’m heading West because:

(a) Of the black-sand beaches. I like to start my tan by getting my feet and shoulders equally burnt.
(b) I may get a glimpse of John Key. Helensville’s his electorate, right?
(c) There’s a new mall I’ve yet to be disappointed by.
(d) I’m not heading West until the Piha RSA starts serving polenta fries.

I’m heading South because:

(a) I want to check out property investments in Mercer, or as we call it, Pokeno South.
(b) Those airport hotels are really good value for a family holiday.
(c) The fun begins at Rainbow’s End. Unfortunately, it also stops there.
(d) The only thing scarier than the housing bubble is Spookers.

I’m heading East because:

(a) We’re taking a Tamaki Tour — driving past Brian’s house.
(b) My teenager told me she was studying Botany but it turns out she’s gone to the mall.
(c ) I’m taking the ponies for a few chukkas of polo at Clevedon.
(d ) I’m not. Kohimarama is as far east as I go.

I’m staying home because:

(a) It was my turn to choose the holiday spot so we’re going glamping at Dry & Tea.
(b) I didn’t mean to but the traffic isn’t moving.
(c) I’m a locavore. You’ll find me in the queue at Ben & Jerry’s in Ponsonby.
(d) I’m pre-loading for Laneway.

I’m eating:

(a) Home-cured organic venison, hand fed on demand with ancient grains and lulled to death with Brooke Fraser melodies.
(b) Air-dried salted caramel kale chips.
(c) Smoked seaweed foraged from the tideline at Maraetai, slowcooked over artisanal manuka chips individually sourced from Bunnings Mt Wellington.
(d) Well, I’m dairy-free, caffeine-free, gluten-free and soy-free, so it’s vodka for dinner again.

I’m drinking:

(a) Wheatgrass and quinoa smoothies with soy yoghurt and probiotics. THANK YOU for asking, I was desperate to tell someone.
(b) Limited-release seasonal session beers, and tweeting about their exquisite hoppiness.
(c) Coconut water, if I can find a brand that’s not too mucousy.
(d) To forget. What was the question again?

I’m repairing:

(a) The heels on my best Beau Coops after too many nights staggering out of Golden Dawn.
(b) Relationships with the in-laws after the Christmas Lunch Fiasco.
(c) My kid’s intricate Lego Death Star I stood on on the way to the loo.
(d) It’s called “upcycling” now.

I’m detoxing with:

(a) A mindfulness retreat in the Waitakeres led by a tie-dyed person called Willow.
(b) Plenty of lemon water, with just a hint of berries. Juniper berries. Gin.
(c) Hair of the Bichon Frise cocktail.
(d) Nothing. My New Year’s resolution was to stop micromanaging and I’m starting with my liver.

I’m detoxing with: (d) Nothing. My New Year’s resolution was to stop micromanaging and I’m starting with my liver.

I’m giving back by:

(a) Coaching kids’ rugby in case one day I bump into Richie.
(b) Shaking a bucket on street corners, although it might be going better if I had allied with a specific charity.
(c) Leaving the lambs’ brains on the side of the plate for the kitchenhand to enjoy.
(d) Putting my Zambesi cape on Trade Me for a fraction of the retail price — 4/5ths is a fraction.

I’ll scream if I hear one more person say:

(a) It is what it is. If it wasn’t it wouldn’t be, now would it?
(b) Good eyebrow game. A game of two halves, but if I don’t have it I don’t want to hear about it.
(c) I’m not a Feminist, I’m an Equalist.
(d) Unctuous.

I’m buying:

(a) Myself the Karen Walker 18ct diamond posy ring that for some reason I never got for Christmas.
(b) An investment property in Weymouth, where you can check out any time you like but you can’t sell for three years.
(c) A container-load of tea towels of our current flag, from, because I have a hunch.
(d) Yet more Candy Crush credit. Are the holidays over yet?

I’ll be adding value by:

(a) Painting the kitchen white, if I can decide which shade of white
to use. Why is there black white and not white white?
(b) Removing the pentagonal daybed I put in during the first heady weeks of The Block.
(c) Bribing someone at the council to shift the zoning lines just slightly so I can get into some kind of grammar zone.
(d) Burning the place down to get both the insurance money and subdivision approval.

I’m going to:

(a) Eat at Saan, now the rest of Ponsonby is sunning itself at Omaha and I can get a park.
(b) Swipe left more often so I can wax less often.
(c) Pack up my troubles in my Deadly Ponies bag and smile, smile, smile.
(d) Reconsider my plans to retrain as a TV journalist.

I’m following:

(a) Pebbles Hooper, because someone has to, poor thing.
(b) The Magenta Mile on my fixie bike and praying the incline of the SkyPath won’t be too steep.
(c) A clean-eating regime by always obeying the five-second rule.
(d) The grey hair trend, not that I have much choice.

I’m protesting:

(a) Against the TPP, even if no one else is interested anymore.
(b) The misogynistic societal incarceration of the female nipple, but I’m doing it privately at home.
(c) The refusal of Auckland restaurants to fully embrace European sophistication by providing a free basket of bread.
(d) The fact that no one has worked out yet how to do a virtual hikoi.

I’m reading:

(a) Alex Casey at The Spinoff, to steal some witty banter for dinner parties.
(b) The (organic, rooibos) tea leaves for want of a more accurate predictor of the property market.
(c) The backs of buses. I don’t mind the commute so much since I discovered the Worst Idea Of All Time podcast.
(d) The Luminaries. Still.

I’m critical of:

(a) The mayoral candidates revealed so far. I’m half expecting Mike Hosking to throw his haircut into the ring.
(b) Nimbys. Don’t want any of them in my backyard.
(c) Anyone not embracing hoverboards as Auckland’s transport solution.
(d) Dom Harvey. Isn’t everyone?

I really must get around to:

(a) Meeting Max Key.
(b) Framing that Frizzell print I paid too much for at the school auction.
(c) Figuring out how to get into Depot without having to sit outside for hours gazing longingly through the window like a naughty dog.
(d) Checking the nanny’s references, but she’s such a good egg, who cares if a few things go missing?


Latest issue shadow

Metro N°442 is Out Now.

In the Autumn 2024 issue of Metro we celebrate the best of Tāmaki Makaurau — 100 great things about life in Auckland, including our favourite florist, furniture store, cocktail, basketball court, tree, make-out spot, influencer, and psychic. The issue also includes the Metro Wine Awards, the battle over music technology company Serato, the end of The Pantograph Punch, the Billy Apple archives, a visit to Armenia, viral indie musician Lontalius, the state of fine dining, and the time we bombed West Auckland to kill a moth. Plus restaurants, movies, politics, astrology, and more.

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