It's horoscopes, by Metro. Metroscopes. Enjoy!
Dec 22 ‒ Jan 19
Capricorns are known for their ambition, work ethic and practicality — and what could be more practical than a goat... with the hind-quarters of a fish? 2019 was an uphill year for you, and I bet you were thinking, as you dragged that slimy, barnacle-crusted ass slowly up the mountainside, why am I such a hideous aberration of nature? But here, at the peak, you’re finally able to catch a breath. The last few years have been like a tax audit of the soul, but Jupiter’s back with a backwards baseball cap. 2020 is going to be a sweet and cool year for you as you reap the rewards of Saturn’s emotional boot-camp and toboggan effortlessly down the other side.
Jan 20 ‒ Feb 18
Famous Aquarians include Paris Hilton, Ellen DeGeneres and 19th-century ‘it girl’ Lord Byron. Your quick wit and charisma mean you’re able to put on an award-winning performance of emotional health, but you risk missing out on the rewards that come from real vulnerability. You can’t just keep giving out cars, Oprah — you need to let people in. It’s time to take some of that quick wit and original thinking and apply it to your own insecurities, ambitions and resentments.
Feb 19 ‒ Mar 20
It’s aquarium time, baby! It’s a beautiful time to be doubly fishy, and your special brand of sweet-hearted, protein-packed kindness will make 2020 an expansive and social year.
Mar 21 ‒ Apr 19
For whatever dubious planetary reason, everyone is paying special attention to you right now. It’s either your turn to shine or to publicly humiliate yourself on a monumental scale. Quit Twitter while you’re ahead.
Apr 20 ‒ May 20
Get out the cryptic crosswords, it’s brain day at the gym. It’s a year for intellectual growth and expanded horizons. What’s the main export of Iceland again?
May 21 ‒ Jun 20
The most important scientific question to ask of twins is: which one of you is the evil one? You may have to put yourself in a headlock until you agree to cooperate.
Jun 21 ‒ Jul 22
“Where can we live but days?” asked Philip Larkin. He can’t live anywhere because he’s dead, but 2020 for you is all about the seconds, minutes and hours. Let the rest fall into place.
Jul 23 ‒ Aug 22
The last two years have been hideous and impossible... and you love it. Is there any point telling you what to do? The stone table’s cracked and winter’s over. It’s Aslan season, bitches.
Aug 23 ‒ Sep 22
Is that love in the air, or did you leave your hair straightener on? 2020 is a year of great contradictions for you, and you’re going to have to pay attention.
Sep 23 ‒ Oct 22
Every Libran is a sweetheart and nothing bad will ever happen to them. If it does, astrology is cancelled, and I’ll pinch the stars by their frosty little nipples until they relent.
Oct 23 ‒ Nov 21
You know the old fable about the frog and the scorpion? Well, maybe you can’t help being a scorpion, but you can, at the very least, stop hitching rides on frogs.
Nov 22 ‒ Dec 21
You think you’re so great, don’t you? Oooh, look at me, I’m caring and spontaneous, I’ve got a big bow and arrow. Put a shirt on, Sagittarius. Nobody wants to hear it.
This piece originally appeared in the January-February 2020 issue of Metro magazine.