Image: Loryn Englesman

Dear Metro: "Should I tell my husband about the man I've been flirting with?"

Got issues with work, love, sex, family, friendships, money or the crushing existential angst of modern life? Each week our Metro advice columnist answers a reader's query and (we assume) solves all their problems. 

Read last week's Dear Metro advice: "I think my wife is mad at me after I suggested KPIs for the home"

Dear Metro,

I am a 34-year-old mother of three who had been married for 10 years to a man who has become a real clod. His last birthday present to me was a set of golf clubs - men’s size. He even had his own name engraved on the handles.

I decided to spite my husband by keeping the clubs and learning how to play. This lead to me meeting the pro at the local course and he seems like everything my husband is not. We haven’t done anything yet (apart from go to brunch together) but he has made it clear that this is what he wants.

Thinking it over, I have decided I still love my husband and I want to make it work. Should I tell him about my temptation or should I wait a few years?

From,

Reluctantly faithful

 

Dear Reluctant,

Firstly, for those who may be thinking “how could that gift scenario possibly be real?” I would like to tell the story of a woman I used to work with, who had never been given a birthday gift by a boyfriend - apart from once, when a man she was with bought her a $100 voucher for Mag and Turbo Warehouse. She didn’t own a car.

So, I am very willing to believe this actually happened. While I am already on the record as saying I don’t think gift giving is as important as is often made out to be, a flagrantly selfish gift is nevertheless a bit of a slap in the face. What’s not clear is whether this is a somewhat isolated incident, and if it’s not, how bad your husband’s other behaviours are.

If we take it that this is the worst thing he’s done, and is generally just a bit selfish, then there’s hope yet. If this is the case then it’s good that fancying someone else has made you realise you would like to stay with your husband and I don’t think there’s much value in telling him about your wandering eye. It might feel satisfying to tell him about your golfing crush, but ultimately that won’t help you along the path back to unity as a couple. Everyone has impure thoughts about someone other than their spouse from time to time, so I wouldn’t feel the need to “confess” to this either. Simply take the opportunity to have a serious talk with your husband about how poor his behaviour has become and how unhappy it makes you, and go from there. If you can afford it, couple’s therapy is not a bad idea.

However, if this is the tip of a really nasty iceberg, assess whether this is a relationship worth staying in. If, on balance, your husband does not treat you with respect and care, then it may be time to take stock and consider your options. Good luck.

With love,

Metro

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