Illustustration: Loryn Englesman (tinkered with by Jess Allen)

Dear Metro: The Colin Mathura-Jeffree edition!

A ubiquitous presence on New Zealand’s celebrity scene, Colin Mathura-Jeffree is an actor, model, TV host – and now agony uncle, for our Dear Metro advice column. Colin is dropping by for a few weeks, doling out sage advice with a little sprinkle of spice.

As our guest columnist, let Colin solve all your problems – and if your letter runs, you’ll be rewarded with a treat from his goody bag haul. To write in, email dearmetro@bauermedia.co.nz

Read last week's Dear Metro advice: "Why is everyone suddenly part of Multi Level Marketing schemes?"

Dear Colin,

I have a flatmate who likes to create suits of honest-to-god armour, bloody skulls and fur caveman capes to dress up in for parties and festivals.

But this fully grown adult man cannot and will not clean up after himself to any degree.

When asked about this, gently, firmly or otherwise, gets defensive and will not be held accountable or change his bloody, furry ways.

Please help.  

Dear Victim of a Lazy Lout,

I am surprised to read this letter. I act on occasion and in fact was the King of India on Xena Warrior Princess, so I know SFX artists like your flatmate are fastidious in their creative workspace cleanliness. Why does he feel he can do the exact opposite in your shared home space?  You have addressed the matter in all levels of temperament and failed. I think it's time to "Game of Thrones" your response...let him receive a letter that says if he doesn't do his part of the household chores the missing items of his wardrobe will be returned in pieces...let him find one in the blender. Sometimes you have to meet these people in their fantasy world and warp it to your needs in order to achieve balance. Good luck. 

 

Dear Colin,

I’m a funny woman, but I find my male friends just don’t seem to laugh at my jokes as often as I laugh at theirs, and it’s really starting to get on my nerves. My female friends and I crack each other up constantly, but when I’m hanging with my guy mates they all laugh at each other’s jokes (even the objectively shit ones) but hardly ever at mine – what gives?! It’s almost like they don’t expect me to be funny or something, so they don’t know what to do when I make a joke. Sorry about it but it seems kinda sexist. Should I call them on it, or is that just opening myself up for the humiliation of being told I’m not as funny as I think I am?

Funny… for a girl

Dear Funny Girl Being Silly,

I have a real problem with your letter. I don't doubt you're funny,  you absolutely know you're funny too,  because your girlfriends all laugh at your jokes, so why the HELL do you need the same gratification from men? They aren't worth wasting your time trying if you get nothing in those moments. 

You want to know how to get the attention of a man? Don't need him for anything. 

Also, a moment might arise where one of the lads looks towards you and does laugh at your joke...he probably has a crush on you. 

Be your own woman, you're a force of nature. 

LETTER OF THE WEEK! And the winner of a $60 voucher for breakfast for two at the Coffee Club:

Dear Colin,

Like many women I am perhaps unnecessarily fastidious when it comes to using a toilet when others are in earshot. Who doesn’t breathe a sign of relief when they see all the stalls empty in a public convenience?

And I get that men might be a bit more relaxed about the whole business what with urinals and all.

But mobile phones have created a whole new category of toileting etiquette: do you talk on one while you’re in there or not?

My significant other appears to have no qualms about multi-tasking in this way when he is at home, but I feel there are some things that should remain private.

What do you think?

Dear Ms. Manners,

I actually agree with you. 

But the issue is we live in a world that makes us think we are all "time poor" and we are terribly addicted to our phones.  They come everywhere with us and we unfortunately use them everywhere.  I heard that one of the biggest factors for losing a phone is in fact dropping it down the loo. 

Now as for being a woman and taking the high ground - let me tell you what happened to me recently...

I had a job opportunity and was waiting for a confirmation call... 

The client phoned and we were going through the motions while unbeknownst to me,  she was also going through the motions...as suddenly there was this unnatural whistling squeal that unfortunately graduated into a full Jurassic Park Dinosaur roar! The silence between us was deafening. I didn't know what to say except a whispered "are you ok".

I got the job and an exceptionally high fee. 

I think we need to know we can sit on our thrones WITHOUT our phones. 

Love,

Colin

To write in, email dearmetro@bauermedia.co.nz

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