Forget the Trump train, welcome to the brown-nose bus
Donald Trump’s speech to the Republican Party Convention in Cleveland has been leaked. Here it is.
People. Can I have your attention? It’s a joke! Hey, come on now people. What did you think? Of course it’s a joke! I’m sorry, but are you nuts? You really think a man like me should be president of this great country?
I’ll tell you something. Not only are you nuts, you’re crazy nuts, and you’re rotten nuts, and you’re stupid nuts. And you’re spineless nuts.
Everybody’s got on board the Trump Train. You know what I call it? The Brown-nose Bus. And meanwhile, I’m flying, I’m not on the Brown-nose Bus, I’m on the Take-the-Piss Plane! And you all let me get on board!
I’ve been trying to get myself thrown off, believe you me. I said John McCain wasn’t a war hero because he allowed himself to get captured. Can anyone even think of a more despicable, stupider, more unpatriotic thing for me to say? John McCain was a prisoner of war who suffered the most brutal torture with enormous bravery, who served his country when it called, while I got medical deferments to keep me out of the war. Rick Perry said the remark was “a new low in American politics” and he was right. He said I was “unfit to be commander-in-chief of the US armed forces, and [I] should immediately withdraw from the race for president.”
Guess what? Rick Perry endorses Donald Trump for president. He’s on the Brown-nose Bus.
Just imagine if Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton said something like that. You wouldn’t let them get away with it.
John McCain himself said I had “fired up the crazies”. John McCain was brave in Vietnam but he is not being brave today. He endorses Donald Trump for president. He’s on the Brown-nose Bus too.
Ted Cruz, hero of the Tea Party, which I oppose, by the way, he endorses Donald Trump for president. He’s on the bus. Marco Rubio, he’s also a Tea Party hero. And remember when he tried to push through immigration reform that did not mean building a wall? You mark my words, that’s an issue of importance to Marco Rubio. Now he endorses Donald Trump for president. He’s on the bus.
I spent the whole primary campaign saying the dumbest things I could think of, and every one of them got me more votes.
And what about that wall? How dumb is that? I spent the whole primary campaign saying the dumbest things I could think of, and every one of them got me more votes. You can’t build a wall across a country, people. And even if you can, you shouldn’t. Turn your back on a problem, it gets worse. Problems don’t go away if you pretend you can’t see them. Even the Republican Party should know that.
Rick Santorum endorses Donald Trump. He believes in “Never Hillary”. He says that under her, “we will become a European-style secular, socialist republic”. Rick Santorum has obviously spent the year on Mars, because that would explain how he hasn’t had the chance to read the papers. Hillary ran against the socialist. She beat the socialist. She upset millions of Americans in her own party because she was not the socialist.
People like me because I’m good at business. I’ve been bankrupt three times! That’s okay if you’re in business, you can bounce back, I’m the proof. But it’s no way to run a country. You want me to make America bankrupt a few times? Why hasn’t the whole of Wall St risen up against me yet?
The Republicans stand for personal liberty and freedom of speech but I’m going to change the libel laws, just so I can shut down all those scum in media who say bad things about me. Apparently that’s okay.
I’ve said so many crazy things. Thousands of Muslims in New Jersey cheering during 9/11. There’s no drought in California. Ted Cruz’s father was involved in the shooting of JFK. I want to be friends with Vladimir Putin. He’s a thug!
When that crazy guy shot dead 49 people in the Orlando nightclub, I said the dumbest, most narcissistic, most unpresidential thing I could think of. I said, “I was right!” It’s about me and how good I am! And then I started talking about Americans should be allowed to pack guns in nightclubs, like we all live in a Wild West saloon bar or something, and you tut-tutted me. Everybody tut-tuts. But I’m still here! Let me ask you something: in all those westerns when they shoot up the saloon bar, do you think that’s a good way to handle conflict?
All those people outside here today parading up and down with their guns. Why are you not all very, very afraid?
I got another question: What do you think I’m gonna do if I’m president and some nutjob blows up, I don’t know, a shopping mall carpark somewhere in America? What if I say I’m gonna find out where the nutjob came from, what country, or if he’s a so-called American, what country his parents came from, and I’m gonna bomb its capital into the dust. Into the sand. What if I say that? Are you going to let me do it? Is there any line I cannot cross?
You think I’m Clint Eastwood or John Wayne, don’t you? I’m not. They’re the guys with judgment. Me, I’m the guy they kill. I’m the madman.
You’re the party of conservatism and I rubbed your noses in it. I told you I would preserve Obamacare. I said I would roll back free trade. I raised money for veterans and it didn’t all go where it should. I even told you I will tax the rich more. I wanted to see just how pathetic the party that supports wealth creation had become, and I got my answer.
Let me ask you this: why don’t you want Hillary? Because she’s a Democrat? She’s a buddy with Wall St, for Christ’s sake. You don’t want Hillary because she’s a woman. It’s the same with the way you hate Barack Obama, who is, by the way, also a moderate. Because he’s black.
Have you seen the things they’ve been selling at my rallies? The things they’re selling out there today? “Trump that bitch” T-shirts? “Hillary sucks but Monica sucks better”? That’s hatred. Can’t you recognise it? I tell my fans not to hurt the protesters too bad, and they hear me, they know what I’m saying, they really beat ’em up. There are guys saying the gays had it coming in Orlando and God knows what. These are your voters now.
You think it’s a political movement you can ride to make the Republican Party strong again? Let me tell you, that is not true. Those people in all those stadiums at my rallies, they are one big wild animal, filled with fear, and if you try to ride that animal, it will throw you off and eat you alive.
I’ve told you I’ve never asked God for forgiveness. Even my God-fearing supporters let that go. Why? Nothing to forgive! But hey, just jokes. Ha ha.
At this point I would like to say I have some respect for the Bush family. They’ve said they won’t support me. That’s principled, and you all should have listened to them. Two presidents and another one, and one of those presidents led this great nation through its darkest hour. So people should listen to what they have to say, right?
Wrong. Nobody cares about the Bushes. They’re nobodies. This party did that. This party turned its last two presidents into nobodies. They’re mice, not men, crawling around there in Texas.
Obviously I have no respect for Chris Christie. He’s my lapdog. Actually, he’s worse than my lapdog, because I don’t make my lapdog do all my fetching and carrying. My lapdog doesn’t get my McDonald’s lunch for me. What does he want? Does he think I’m going to give him a job? Let me tell you something, Chris Christie. If I do get to be president, why would you think I’m going to give jobs to people who want me to embarrass them?
But I am a kind man, as my family will tell you. Just to show how kind I am, when Chris Christie came to me and said he would do every craven, humiliating thing I want, I said to him, “Don’t worry, Chris. I won’t make you wear a leash.” But I am thinking about it.
Then there’s Paul Ryan. The reluctant Speaker of the House. The reluctant chair of this convention. The reluctant supporter of Donald Trump. He’s the worst.
I’m the guy who broke the party he fixed! Paul Ryan saved you guys from the last lot of crazies who broke the Republican Party, and by that I mean the Tea Party, and now I’ve gone and broken it again, and he knows it, and he complains about it, and still he says he supports me!
Paul Ryan said my comments on Judge Curiel, the Mexican who was born here, were “the textbook definition of a racist comment”. He said, “I disavow these comments. I think that should be absolutely disavowed. It’s absolutely unacceptable.” But he wants me to be president! He’s on the Brown-nose Bus.
Why? Well, I’ll tell you. Paul Ryan wants me to be president because he thinks he’s holding the party together, so he can run for president himself next time. But let me tell you a few things about that. First, I’m not going to get elected. Don’t these guys read the polls? Except for the crazies, Americans hate me. And in case you’re still wondering, the crazies are not a majority in this great country. Thank God.
Second, even if I do get elected, what do you think I’m gonna do? Fix the economy and the country and the Republican Party so good, so when the next guy comes along, Paul Ryan or whoever, Americans are going to want more? You actually think I’m going to make America great again?
Not gonna happen. Forget about eight years. After one year of me, this country’s gonna be a cotcase and so is the Republican Party. And everyone responsible for it – that’s me, that’s you who voted for me, and especially that’s people like Paul Ryan who should have known better but didn’t – we’re all going to get the blame. If I get to be president, by the time I’m finished, Americans will have hung Paul Ryan upside down from the nearest tree. And all you Tea Party people, I’m looking at you Mike Pence, what a joke, you’re gonna be swinging there with him.
The next Republican president of the United States, and I promise you this, will be someone who has had nothing to do with me. At all. Probably, if I get elected, they have not even been born yet.
You know what you guys are? You’re The Walking Dead. I watch that show. I like that show. And you know those zombies, they are dangerous know-nothings. I mean, that’s obvious. You’re them. But I’ve noticed they are not half as dangerous as the humans who go round killing each other. You all thought I might be Rick. Right? A tough guy, a real leader. Rick is the guy who’s prepared to pay the price of survival. Rick is gonna make America great again.
But I’m not Rick. Rick cares. He cares about people. I don’t care about anybody, except me. I’m the guy with the barbed-wire axe handle. I’m Negan.
My fellow Republicans, how did you not know?
So. It was a joke. I thought the people of this great nation deserved to see just what the once-great Republican Party had become. And the answer is, it’s a party that wants to give the nuclear codes to someone like me. God help us all. And now the joke’s over. Goodbye.