Leaked plans around RNZ's proposed new youth-focused radio station revealed one rather corny page showing a line-up of 10 New Zealand 'types'. Comedian Tim Batt breaks down what each of them means for Metro.
RNZ has taken some heavy hits recently. In a very public self-own, their complex merger with TVNZ was revealed by their own journalist, Jane Patterson. She reported out plans being worked out late last year between RNZ’s top brass and the Government, all happening behind closed doors without the knowledge of taxpayers or employees.
Last month, they contemplated axing Concert out loud and drew the ire of Prime Ministers (former and current) and riled a highly vocal, motley crew of boomers and jazz fanatics. The pressure from the Koru-class was too much and they were forced to backpedal.
Last week, they were rightly called out by every news organisation that wasn’t RNZ for posting snide online ads targeting the commercial news sector, including the NZ Herald (though not by name) for the sin of making consumers pay for their news. Only a Herculean effort in bad decision-making could get people to defend the NZ Herald in this day and age but leave it to RNZ.
However, of all their recent faux pas, today’s is by far the most embarrassing (and meme-able). After an Official Information Act request (I suspect by an RNZ journalist) successfully uncovered a trove of planning documents about RNZ’s proposed youth-focused music station, one page stood awkwardly above all others; RNZ’s The Ten New Zealanders. It is a slide dedicated to identifying the soul of this nation and then boxing that soul into ten clear archetypes to market to, with accompanying clear-cut images.
For fun and profit, I will now go down the list of the incredibly grim societal characters our state broadcaster has divided us in to.
Globalist: With your blue jeans, smart-causal blazer and salt-overtaking-pepper head, you’re not embarrassed to share that you’ve done pre-tty well in the property market. Your kids have finally left the nest and now you now find yourself between lagers wondering aloud if men really are copping it a bit unfairly in this #MeToo era.
Curious – Intellectual: Your kink is hearing the million-cig baritone of Kim Hill decimate a MP caught with their hand in the cookie jar, while you knit in a comfortable chair. You are single-handedly keeping Unity Books alive by buying presents for everyone around you, which serve more as decorations of your intellect than actual presents to be enjoyed by the receiver.
Curious – Grazer: You read the opening paragraph of a New York Times article about one of the 2020 Presidential candidates and now will speak over the top of any qualified voice to offer your (shit) take on what’s wrong with the American political system.
Company Seeker: A cheeky flash of colour on the scarf, a jaunty stance and an unbuttoned polar fleece vest – You absolute tease. You voted for Norman Kirk because of his jawline and now you’re looking for someone to take you to Rialto on the reg.
Tell-it-like-it-is Sports Fan: You have some very definite opinions on immigration.
Community Minded: An unfortunate by-product of using only unscented, eco-friendly soap and spending afternoons sifting through compost in the vege garden is that your hands smell like shit. You have taken one for the good of Planet Earth and we thank you for it, though will not be shaking your hand.
Relax and Unwind: You don’t mind a bit of Shorty. You don’t mind it one bit. Bloody hard worker. Love a Sav. Your weekends are absorbed entirely by getting Jackson, Noah and Ruby to games at the park in an SUV that rivals a Carls Jnr burger for absurd size and risk to your health.
Social Connector: You don’t know this but you have singlehandedly caused three non-fatal car accidents and a train derailment by mindlessly walking in front of vehicles while scrolling Instagram with AirPods in.
Go-getter: You are the most feared entity at a BBQ or house party. You ignore subtle social cues like it’s an Olympic event, have an Instagram account riddled with shirtless beach selfies and are (admittedly) doing pretty well at Vodafone. Everyone is sick of you bringing up Bitcoin.
Unengaged: Craft beer festival, you say? Let me just chuck in some beard oil, nab a hair-tie and I’ll meet you there.
An earlier version of this story said that Jane Patterson 'leaked' the RNZ merger plans, but as Metro enemy Henry Cooke pointed out on Twitter, she really just reported the info out. Sometimes even the worst person you know makes a great point, which is, of course, heartbreaking.