1—Looking forward to your first Australian-made Pineapple Lump?
02—Or do you think it might taste like a flamin’ wombat’s armpit?
03—Are they going to fund the entire east-west corridor with the profits from the Waterview tunnel speed cameras?
04—Admit it, you clicked the Facebook virus didn’t you?
05—That won’t help you keep track of your Ugandan investments, will it?
06—Do Guy Williams and Clarke Gayford really comprise a “celebrity invasion”?
07—Or did “blokes-with-gigs-in-niche-telly invasion” not work as a headline?
08—Sick of the new government yet?
09—Did “Keeping Up With The Librarians” prove that in Invercargill you really have to make your own fun?
10—When Peter Dunne accused New Zealand First of “vanity” did his bowtie start spinning around?
11—“Warren Gatland quits Lions…” but does he get to keep the clown nose?
12—Feeling for the council staff who earn less than 100k?
13—Detoxing your Twitter?
14—Or couldn’t you get by without your regular top-ups of bitterness, hatred and bile?
15—You know that stuff’s available in real life, don’t you?
16—Got over the fake potato-chips crisis, yet?
17— Is it called Married At First Sight because it’s full of people not worth a second look?
18—Is Grace Jones performing in the South Island because it’s the home of weird 80s haircuts?
19—Or because their favourite furnishing is warm leatherette?
This is published in the November- December 2017 issue of Metro.