Good to know
Who can we safely fancy now that everyone’s a monster?
Ronald McDonald: Always there for you, even if you’re only ever keen when you’re drunk.
Flight of the Conchords: Both gorgeous, both funny, both safely married with kids, can both sort of speak French.
Playschool’s Humpty, the gender-fluid, species-neutral plus-size god/dess with the suggestive name.
TV Kiwi: Has his own open-plan home and a nice cat, but his job is a little precarious.
Things we spend all summer doing that we didn’t mean to spend all summer doing
Queuing to see if Jacinda will autograph the printed-out selfie you took last time you queued to see Jacinda.
Binge-watching a show just so that you can understand the t-shirt you got for Christmas.
Filling the watering can from the inflatable pool a thousand times so that you can change the water without wasting it.
Saying “OMG I’m melting” while pointing a fan out the window like you saw on YouTube.
Waiting for the courier to finally bring what you ordered in November.
Things your office is planning to implement in 2018 to “cater to millennials”
Meeting rooms can be booked as safe Tinder meetup spaces or chill zones in case someone can’t even.
Hot desks, standing desks, standing hot desks and just standing around looking hot.
Everything wireless, even though no one can ever find a mouse, and seven iPads are missing.
UberEats, but it’s just the receptionist going out for your food.
Refilling the watercooler bottles with a hoppy IPA.
A pledge to try to stop calling the intern “Girlie”.
Love thyself: New trends in self-care
Receiving an uncontrolled dose of Amazonian toad poison in a supportive group setting.
Not doing your “Baby Feet” skin peel until after your hike on the Hillary Trail.
Feeling a permanent warm grateful glow that you didn’t blow 30 bucks on a new gratitude journal this year.
Pain as gain: Shakti mats, dry brushing, hair shirts and those little spiky cilice things the Opus Dei guys wear around their thighs.
Ritual mitochondrial purging through intravenous delivery of poorly fermented nut-milk yogurt.
What’s your biggest regret of 2017?
12% That I’m unlikely to stumble upon a pocket full of bitcoins I didn’t remember I had.
16% I was too lazy to walk in the Waitakeres when I had the chance and now I’ll never see a kauri.
21% I asked the dogsitter to express the beagle’s anal gland and wow, did that backfire.
22% We decided to do home-made Christmas gifts and now everyone in the family owns way too much chutney.
29% I told everyone I’d do Dry January and if I see one more bottle of non-alcoholic Lindauer, someone will die.
I did it last time
Hold your breath and open the
Damn wheelie-bin lid
We’re all going to Parnell
In a handbasket
Warmer seas bringing
Sea lice, sharks, more swimmers; it’s
No day at the beach
Don’t know te reo?
Then it’s true you don’t know your
Tou from your tuku
Where does it all go?
Let’s face it, all money is
If I can’t land my
Helicopter on the roof
What’s the point of life
Yeah, cannabis oil
Is pricey but have you seen
Farro’s truffle stuff?
In the next issue!
COASTAL PROPERTIES: Trick someone into buying yours
BACK TO SCHOOL: For god’s sake hurry it up
ENDANGERED WHITEBAIT: Basically rhino-horn fritters
LEIGHTON SMITH: Our new Agony Aunt
This is published in the January - February 2018 issue of Metro.