Fifty Questions for Fifty Shades of Grey

So, was it worth the wait? Plus fifty more questions for the new movie version of Fifty Shades of Grey. Warning: contains mild spoilers for this and future Fifty Shades movies.

1. How long until we see his cock?
2. She’s dressed like the lovechild of the Queen and a chintz armchair…is the Fifty Effect strong enough to have Her Majesty usurp Kate as national official style crush?
3. Why has it become sexy to look like a schoolgirl recovering from general anaesthetic?
4. “I want to know more about you?” I assume you mean biblically. Because the dialogue won’t tell you anything…
5. The real question is, “Ms Steele, how did you manage to park directly outside my inner city skyscraper. Are you aware you’ll have to harvest your kidneys to pay for that parking…?”
6. “There’s not much to know.” We know. You’re wearing a cardigan.
7. “$35 and counting, Miss Steele……have you considered the city’s 7-step plan to a 10-year sustainable public transport system…”
8. What….? This just got funny….Well…is this the alternative to having a plot?
9. As a feminist…can I enjoy this….?
10. Cock now, please?
11. Ana, you’re not as bad as your fictional companion. But why do you gasp every time you see him? Did you forget your inhaler? Are you feeling faint? Do you need a 50 shades range Panadol?
12. Drunk phone call! I’VE DONE THAT TOO! THIS COULD BE MY LIFE!?????!
13. No it couldn’t. Tried two people in a bath before? Easier to fit Gerry Brownlee in a coffee KeepCup.
14. Was anyone else surprised to find they had some chemistry?
15. Why does she make her O face every time he touches her face? What’s he washing his hands in – poppers?
16. Ice cube sex. Are we going to see a rise in the sale of frozen cokes?
17. Is anyone else getting 80s vibes from this….? Does he wear fluoro undies?
18. A flip phone? A flip phone?!
19. The Red Room. Anyone else reminded of the Room of Requirement…? Is that a wand?
20. YES! SEX! Cock…?
21. Beyonce?… Beyonce?…. BEYONCE!
22. Now, how can I check to see if she’s got a Brazilian without looking like I’m doing that…?
23. Oh God, how are you supposed to watch this when you’re surrounded by middle aged couples…Are they watching me? How does my face look?! Shall I look nonchalant? Aroused? Mildly confused by my internal tension between my disgust for the book and pleasant surprise at the film?
24. Wait….was that it?
25. That was like 40 seconds! I didn’t pay for 40 seconds! Can someone get him some Viagra, please?
26. So you play piano alone at night, surrounded by a glittering city scape behind floor to ceiling windows. Can we get some dry ice here? We’re a little light on melodrama.
27. Business meeting? It’s got the lighting of a J Lo video… Are we going to see some twerking?
28. Oh my… How did they make anal fisting funny?
29. Are we laughing because it’s funny?
30. Or because we’re awkward – kinda like we’re at an intergenerational circle jerk?
31. Scratch that. Genital clamps?! No, this is actually funny!
32. Did she just sass him! And leave!? Anna, why weren’t you this cool in the book?
33. What’s the secret to making the movie that’s better than the book? Probably setting the expectations as low as possible…
34. Hello, Red Room…who chose that leather couch? Dominique Strauss-Kahn?
35. What kind of man can plait hair?
36. Oooh, who snapchatted me?
37. I JUST MISSED THE COCK!
38. For Christ’s sake. That was NOT enough. What do you think I’m watching this movie for? Interior design tips?
39. I was very un-turned on. I’m going back to Basic Instinct.
40. Christian, where is your chest and underarm hair? Who’s your muse? Posh Spice?
41. Christian, you wax but you don’t manscape!? Priorities!
42. Christian, can you swap places with Taylor, your grizzled, chiselled, monosyllabic driver?
43. The plot is sex…and they’ve had a lot of sex…? What happens now…cuddles? More parking?
44. Meet the parents. And he loses his shit that she’s going to see her parents without telling him. And carries her off on his shoulder. Threatening to punish her. Hooray?
45. So, director Sam Taylor-Wood, you trimmed the creepier bits. And now Christian Grey looks a lot more palatable. And that makes it easier to forgive him when he lets slip the signs of controlling, obsessive, and stalkerish behaviour. (“Eat!” “Come!” “Kneel!”) Do you know how dangerous that is?
46. Jennifer Ehle?! You’re here? It’s a long way from Pemberley, sister. Oh, they ignored you anyway. And you! The Queen of romance! Call the coachman!
47. If he wasn’t this hot, would he get away with acting like a cracked out stalker?
48. Who wrote the second half? Jeremy Clarkson? Enough shiny machines…
49. Sam, I know you’re making her less pathetic, and you give her a strong, feminist exit…
50. So I heard they get married in book 3?